Every relationship passes through a "honeymoon" phase. Those first 3-12 months of bliss. It's like you've discovered a new planet—and everything is edible and sweet.
Then comes "the dark side of the honeymoon," as my friend and collaborator Jonah Tobias called it. And it can be a rough adjustment.
It's been three to four months since my partner and I moved in together. It has been wonderful. And terrible. And thankfully, we're doing well.
Unfortunately, spiritual traditions often don't give much help when it comes to intimacy.
After spending years studying meditation with teachers in Southeast Asia, the Buddhist writer and teacher Jack Kornfield came back to the States and began a romantic relationship.
"It was awful," he said.
The young Kornfield spent the next several years in therapy healing childhood wounds and learning the emotional skills necessary for intimacy—skills that are not commonly taught in largely celibet monastic spiritual traditions.
It's not that spiritual practices aren't relevant to intimate relationships—they are. It's just that intimate relationships activate our deepest wounds.
Yes, I've meditated on a mountaintop. And yes, it's hard. But meditating at the height of an argument? Much, much harder.
In a romantic relationship, it can feel as though the stakes are sky-high. As children our very survival depended on receiving love. And romantic relationships can bring us right back there: as if our very life is on the line.
When our core wounds of abandonment, engulfment, "not-enoughness," or "too-muchness" are activated, the storms of psychic pain roar through our minds and hearts. Keeping up a gentle, caring conversation can be like playing badminton in a hurricane.
But it is possible.
Hands down the best way to address the pain of romantic partnerships is for each person to address their inner wounds. I'm not going to lie to you, this is usually a long, slow, and painful process. And most people don't want to do it. But it is the best way. We're only defensive because there is a wound to defend.
Fortunately, there are more immediate ways to improve relationships. Tools, techniques, communication styles. And these can be very useful. They don't get rid of the wounds exactly, but they help us from triggering them.
But the ultimate goal in relationships, as in spiritual practice, is to open the heart—and keep it open.
When we can keep the heart open to fear, instead of curling it in 50 layers of protective battle-hide, we're able to see the pain behind our partner's anger, the fear within their jealousy, the tender child in need of love.
It's not easy to keep our heart open, especially when we're being blamed and attacked. But that is exactly when this quality is most needed.
The more we see and relax the many clever ways we protect, hide, and deceive ourselves and others, the more easily our heart unfurls. We instinctively begin to understand that there is nothing that can truly hurt us. And so, there is nothing to fear.
This Saturday I am giving a free talk on Zoom called "Warrior of the Heart", about how to respond from our love instead of our wounds.
I'll share some of the techniques that I find most helpful to keep our heart open —even in the midst of an argument.
Reply to this email to RSVP for "Warrior of the Heart," Sat 11am CST / 12pm EST
Or if you'd like to get right down to healing core wounds and relaxing defenses, I'm offering all 1:1 coaching packages 40% off for new clients until August 31st. Sign up for a free consult here.
Wherever you are in your relationship journey, I hope your heart is still in the process of opening. Ever-opening.
With love,
Daniel